Thursday, July 28, 2011


When I was pregnant, I desperately wanted our baby to be a girl. I don't know why I felt so strongly. Maybe mother's intuition? Maybe just being silly because I'm a girl? Maybe imaging having one and then another girl and loving the idea of sisters? Who knows. The day we found out we were having a girl, I was completely over the moon with the news. And the day Lily was born? Indescribable.

At this point, I am just desperate to have another baby. I could honestly and truly care less if it's a boy or girl. Though I LOVE the idea of Lily having a sister because I could not imagine my life without my own sister. And I also LOVE the idea of her having a brother to love and protect, like my brother always did for me.

I am often asked if we'd like to have another baby, and I always respond "yes, we hope to." Without going into any details.

We are in a situation where we have to just wait and hope for another baby to come along. We've had some trouble with round two. It's not too serious and hopefully not permament, but it's definitely a setback in our "plan".

But taking from a friend, I've been thinking about why pregnancy/infertility is such a taboo subject? Why the need to keep it to ourselves? Why not seek love, support, guidance from those we love? Why not reach out for a little hug when we most desperately need it.

Our situation is apparently an easy medical fix. A benign tumor on my pituitary gland that is causing some crazy hormonal imbalance. I know it's silly and there are so many women/families out there with a lot worse situation, but it's been a bit of a blow for me. I am used to 100% control over my body. I'm a runner, I've ran six marathons, one of which I was 16 weeks pregnant. I am used to reading my body, knowing when I've done too much, when I should cut back, when I need to eat more, or lay off the fast food. I know when I'm not sleeping and the exact cause for it. I know the physical signs of stress and exactly what I need to do for myself to talk myself off that proverbial ledge. I know my body. And now that it has 'failed' at what I'm asking of it, I feel a bit off and a bit lost. Which makes me miss home and my girlfriends more than ever.

And though I absolutely love my husband and think of him as one of the most sensitive, lovely people I've ever met, he can not relate. He does not understand what it feels like to have no control of your body. Or what it feels like when your own body fails you. Or how inadequate you feel when you can not 'produce' when you feel perfectly healthy and happy. Or how you can go down that dark tunnel of blame and pointing fingers. At yourself.

So my girlfriends. Who's been through this? What advice can you share?


MJS said...

Oh Lindsay. I wish I was there to hold your hand through this journey. As tears flow, I can't express my love and admiration for you. I have total faith in your ability to face this hurtle with courage and grace. My heart breaks when I can't fix your problems and blame myself for this little defect in your body. Just know I am a phone call away and would also LOVE to jump on a plane if you need me or need a few days to just get away. Don't be afraid to ask friends and family for a hug, a conversation, a cry, or just a quiet understanding. This post is a great start. I do know that Lily is one lucky gal to have such a great mother and she will make one super big sister some day! I love you, Lindsay.

maryjo said...

I so wish you were back here too so we could talk face to face!! Thinking about you and praying that you can get through this quickly. I haven't dealt with this same situation, but have had other struggles with pregnancy as you know. Having friends (female ones especially) to talk to helps more than anything!! Just remember you will get through this and when you hold that next sweet baby in your arms for the first time you will know that everything worked out exactly as it was supposed to!

Kara said...

Ah Lindsay. You are right- it's such a taboo subject- so hush hush among many but I think you are wise in seeking the advice and comfort of others. We all need that. It's the planner in us that messes with our brains and makes us dissatisfied. Hang in there, it will happen when you least expect it and it's all according to His plan- the Lords plan. Our verse in church this month is: Matthew 6:34: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own!" I love that and it's just really SO true. Love ya girl.

Bryn said...

My dear friend, we women are just sooooo much harder on ourselves that we need to be (and more than men are on themselves!!! How do men have this figured out???). I hear you saying so many things that my patients have felt. They can come to grips with the physical, but the loss of control is a true mental battle. There’s no one way to get through the disappointment of when your body lets you down, but know that the body is amazing and resourceful. You are amazing and resourceful. You will heal. Thank you for bravely sharing your intimate thoughts. I am always here… but wishing I was there… if you need anything. Love you!

CowgirlGin said...

Hi there,
I came across your post, however, I do not know you. I had tried for years and years to get pregnant, I have PCOS which hampered my fertility. We tried everything but invitrofertilization. Finally gave up and bought a house. 3 months after we moved in, I was pregnant. We now have my reason for living, a 7 year old boy named Gus. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to relax and let nature take it's course. Good luck to you and God bless you.

Megaen Breuer said...

Lindsay, I had infertility issues as well (apparently I had lazy ovaries). It was so hard for me to want something so badly and month after month to be so disappointed. I was so hard on myself during that time and being a planner, I just wanted it to happen exactly when I had planned on it. After a year, we went to an OB specializing in infertility here in Tulsa. Our first step was to start with a low dose of Clomid and bam. That first month I got pregnant and with twins. I know it's hard and we blame ourselves but God has a great plan for you. I will be praying for you.

Kristin said...


I want so badly to jump on a plane or take a little road trip to come see you right now! I am just reading this....I had no idea.....I have been through two miscarriages.....I have helped my sister and friends through the tough times as well. I've even helped a friend through a hysterectomy when that was the last thing she wanted. All I can say now is this, everything happens for a reason. We don't always know what that reason is, and sometimes we really don't like the thought of it, but it will happen when it is supposed to happen. Call me anytime you would want to talk! I'm here for you as a sister and your friend. Love you!

Anonymous said...

After we lost our first daughter, Jentry, I was on a mission to have another. Nothing happend for three years and then Libby!! However, those three years were the most discouraged I have ever been. I would continually search for someone who had gone through the exact same thing a me. Near the end of those years someone finally told me that I would never find that. We are all created as indivuals and our emotions are ours alone...exept for one!! Only God knows exactly how we feel. Crawl up on His lap whenever you can and cry out!!
Lily will have a brother or sister someday and it will all be worth the pain. God never wastes pain!
All my love,
Carrie Strahm Johnson